Parenting – Jackie Koerner

Modern Parenting is Neglectful Parenting

There are lots of critics out there about raising kids. Usually, they’re all around you.

I even had the police called on me for child endangerment. I was getting gas at the local Mobil station and the pay-at-the-pump functionality was down at all the pumps. I pumped my gas, then went to pay for my gas inside. Kari at the time was 6.

Here is the scenario: The car was at the pump. She was buckled in her booster seat. I locked the doors. I could see her from 20 feet away in the gas station. It was 55 degrees outside. I was inside for 2 minutes. I know because I was anxious about getting to school that morning for the Science Center field trip.

I finish paying and walk outside and just then, a lady peers in and is shouting at Kari. This scares her because the lady is shouting at her.

I ask the lady what she is doing.
She said, “Oh, you’re mom! Well, MOM, I’m calling the police!”
I ask her, “What for?”
She said, “What for?!” and makes an exasperated noise
I roll my eyes and get in the car. I hear her on the phone with the police saying, “She’s getting away!”

Over the weekend Chris and I went to a baseball game with our neighbors from across the street. All of us spent our youth running around in the woods, playing with friends, and coming home at dinnertime. No one called the police.

Kari was playing in the front yard a few years ago, probably as a second grader, and a lady pulled in the driveway. I was in the garage cleaning, and I come out to greet the lady. She said, “Oh, I thought she was outside alone and I wanted to alert someone.” Kari and I both looked a little puzzled. Kari wasn’t near the street, so what was the issue? The lady was flustered by my response and drove on.

Another time, Kari was in the next aisle over in the grocery store grabbing something I had forgotten. She was 8. A lady asked her where her mom was and proceeded to grab her by the arm and walk her to me.

I remember at 7 going across the whole grocery store when my mom was at the checkout. I remember my mom running into the grocery store and locking me in the car when I was 8. I remember staying home alone for an hour or so when I was 10. No one bothered me. No one called the police.

The neighbors agreed with me that it must be this culture now. Kidnappings and awful things have always happened, just with the Internet, we hear about each and every incident now.

I wager to say modern parenting, where parents do everything and decide everything for the children, is neglectful. Children don’t learn how to handle themselves in society without parental input. Still at the college level I encounter students who need their parent to weigh in on any decisions and hear all too often, “I’ll have to ask my mom.” What a tragedy!

Can my kids not play alone in their own yard? Are you raising a ‘free-range’ kid? How should we raise independent kids?

People who are sniping your life

I am a nice person, perky and upbeat, and have a wonderful work ethic. I’ll always lend a hand and genuinely ask my co-workers how they are doing. I don’t gossip. I love hearing about their research. I even lend a confidential ear to problems they’re facing.

Still, I get sniped. Now I am not talking about to the death, but the little jabs or swipes that just wear you down. Make you second guess yourself. Micro aggressions that maybe even ruin your day.

What is with the abrasiveness some women harbor toward other women? I know on some level the behavior takes us back to our cave-dwelling alter egos. But now we drive cars and sip lattes.

This judgement doesn’t just apply to women in the workplace. It happens everywhere! Anyone ever be mommy-judged?

Yeah. It’s brutal.

Now how about this? Ever been at work plugging along doing well and suddenly you’re white knighted. Sadly, this happens to the best of us. White knighting can be helpful sometimes when men stand up for women who are being wrongfully attacked or addressed (wolf-whistles, anyone?).

Sometimes though, white knighting can be quite a downer. Take this for an example:

You and your other committee members are having a meeting. One of the male members tells other [female] members he has reached out to a particular leader about the topic and cleared the way for the [women] to progress. He has essentially done the jobs for the members…without being asked. He then suggests the [women] members get experience doing certain tasks as it is easy and they will have to do it eventually.

How about this one?

You are an educated person with 10+ years experience in your field, and you receive a lengthy email from the white knight about how you can improve your resume and prospects by being involved in various areas. He has already reached out to those area leaders to make a connection for you.

Traditionally women have been raised to be seen and not heard, and certainly to not “rock the boat” especially with men.

So, what can you do about all of the above? Lots! Here are a few of my favorites:

Stand up for yourself
Now, I’m not going to lie. This one can take practice. No, you don’t want to come across as crass or abrasive, but being assertive is good. Speak up and say, “It really makes me feel X when people do X. I hope you can see what I mean.” If this behavior still continues, take it further: “I feel X when you do X. We are each in control of our behavior and reactions, and I think as your Y you would like me to be honest with you so we can have a better Z relationship.”

Make it a party
Have others who experience the same behavior from the same person? Get them in on the party! Be open with them, using some of the statements above. Tell them how this behavior makes you feel and saying how you cant imagine it makes them feel good either. Some women are still stuck in the cycle of societal norms for women and won’t speak up. By getting them to see the light, likely they won’t accept the behavior anymore either.

Speak with authority
Cut out the language from your vocabulary that is tentative. No maybes. No I thinks. No perhaps. You will be surprised at the difference.

Bodies matter
No, not your pants size! I’m talking about how you place your body. Body language has a lot to do with perceptions. Be small and you’ll be viewed as small. Lean into someone’s space, you’ll be seen as more authoritative. Check out Amy Cuddy’s TED talk on it.

Give credit where credit is due
Ready for another surprise? You will look more competent and intelligent when you support other’s ideas and acknowledge their contribution to a project.

Don’t ignore it
Please do not let silence be your agreement. Sometimes the offender assumes everyone is in agreement or everything is just fine when no one says otherwise.

Be yourself
Only you know what is right and feels good to you. Do not let someone’s perceived power affect you as a person. Do not allow them to diminish you.

Want to read more?

Intolerance of Sexy Peers – Sharma Vaillancourt

Why are Women So ‘Bitchy’ to Each Other?

4 Judging Habits that Need to Stop – Scary Mommy

Understanding and Overcoming the White Knight Syndrome

Speaking while Female

The People of the Internet are taking all your time

Something many of us have dealt with is distraction with electronic devices. This growing phenomenon sprouted with the advent of high-speed Internet, got worse with the smart phone, quickly slid further with tablets and Wi-Fi wherever you go!

With this great technology comes great responsibility, and great cost. We’re always connected, but with whom? Those “People of the Internet” as I call them in my house, or people on Facebook, Twitter, etc. who are on your device, but not present regularly in your physical life, what lasting enjoyment are they giving you?

I find it interesting to see people in stores walking next to each other, but on their phones, or people in cars and all the passengers are on their phones (sadly, even some drivers). Or the best, dinner out with friends, where dinner is somehow social with the people present, yet the diners are present only with the People of the Internet. This activity has gotten so prevalent it has spawned a Phone Stack game – all phones are stacked on the table and whoever cannot resist picks up the tab. My question: what are we missing? Do the People of the Internet care farther than fleetingly if you comment on their blog, read their article or like their status?

To me, it’s interesting what an alternate reality the Internet, smart phones and tablets play in our culture today. It can quickly turn into a time suck. I remember when my family first got the Internet at home when I was fourteen. I found myself addicted to it and quickly decided that wasn’t a way to spend my time. I interacted with people online, sure, but what real, tangible benefit did those conversations give me in my real life?

My husband pointed out my last statement made it sound like I was trashing all of the interaction on the Internet, which is not what I meant here, so here is my edit: Much can be learned from the Internet, but I would like to wager many of us are not engaged on the Internet to that degree during much of our time spent on the Internet. Here is a favorite Clay Shirky quote of mine to illustrate such:

This linking together in turn lets us tap our cognitive surplus, the trillion hours a year of free time the educated population of the planet has to spend doing things they care about. In the 20th century, the bulk of that time was spent watching television, but our cognitive surplus is so enormous that diverting even a tiny fraction of time from consumption to participation can create enormous positive effects.

We are capable of so much more than we are doing – imbibe what makes you stronger and create and collaborate with others. The Internet has made such activities immeasurably easier to do, yet, it also brought time sucks like Facebook, some strands of Reddit, etc. to which I was above referring by my statement in question.

I would rather be present in the lives of those physically around me so as to not miss those all too fleeting moments that make up life. When with friends and family, I want to make them feel valued by me. I want to always feel connected to my husband in our time at home together. Now that I have Kari, it is even more imperative to make sure she feels appreciated, important and loved.

I am so glad I have been present for moments like these:

The Snyders — Dear friends getting married

Nana and the girls — The girls opening presents from Nana

People are not moments in time that will be there when you get off the Internet. Time for them keeps moving on.

If you are still not convinced about putting down your device to be more present, please see what these NPR articles have to say:

For the Children’s Sake, Put Down That Phone

When Parents are Too Distracted

A Video Game Meant To Take Us Back To The Physical World

Gaming Girls for God’s Sake

I fell in love with games when I was little playing on my parents’ Apple II and the coveted computer time at school. I was not allowed to have any game systems when I was little because they were expensive and my parents would rather I spent my time with my imagination and studying. When visiting my cousins, I would just want to play Duck Hunt and games from the Mario franchise nonstop. Then when I had my first boyfriend when I was 15, I discovered PlayStation. Now I kind of wonder if I didn’t just continue to go out with him even after our relationship lapsed to continue my affair with Bushido Blade, Gran Turismo and Grand Theft Auto.

Enter the college years: Chris and I moved in together after I graduated high school. He had a PlayStation 2. Growing up without games, my learning curve was high, and I felt embarrassed to play in front of Chris, who could get me through crazy jumps in Ico on the first try. I binged if you will on games. While at the time, I would not admit to skipping my feminist theory class a few times to stay home playing Jak and Daxer, I will now. You will find the irony in this later.

Chris bought me my first Gameboy (Gameboy Color in Teal) when they came out. Then I became a Pokemon nut and dappled in Animal Crossing, Kirby, Wario, and Mario Kart. Then he got me an SP, then a Pink DS in 2007, and last year he bought me a 3DS after finding an admittedly amazing deal on Craigslist (and, no, it was not a stolen one sold on Craigslist – I wondered that myself).

Enter Kari: Chris and I were very cautious about introducing television and video games with Kari. We were the parents who followed the rule book. Then, we thought maybe at 3 or 4 she could start playing games with us. As expected, she loved games just like us.

Now that she is getting older, the games she sees are appealing to her; however, being her parents, Chris and I have to look at how balanced that game is. We continue to be very choosy about what she sees us play and what she is able to play based upon themes and handling of gender roles. Earlier this year we went to PAX East and Kari was totally into it. She loved playing new games and giving suggestions to the developers. Kari is currently big into Animal Crossing, Pokemon and Style Savvy.

Going back for a minute to when Kari was 3 or 4 playing on the Wii. She used to love to look at the Mii Plaza then graduated into playing games herself. I remember one time when she kept scrolling back and forth through the available characters. She was frustrated and said she wanted to play the girl one. Well, in video games there are not many girl heroes or protagonists. Just like preschoolers said, “Where’s the camera?!” about the iPad, they nail it with video games too.

While I know Anita Sarkeesian received a lot of flack for her role in exposing gaming for what it has been and still kind of is, I connect a lot with her videos. Why do we have to sit back and have the female stereotypes perpetuated in front of us, others and our children over and over and over again? Simple. We shouldn’t.

Recent examples of female stereotypes being perpetuated in video games include Chase’s character in Uncharted: Golden Abyss (released in 2012) and how the script was written. Many of the focus group found her character to be annoying. Maybe a more active Chase would have rendered her less annoying. Then the design for the Comic ConQuest featuring Cosplayers. I hope the traditional exaggeration of the feminine form is not an indication of the game play traditional to female characters in video games we might witness.

I truly hope once Kari is old enough to play more mature RPGs, there is more opportunity for female characters than to be Peached.

The Gifts of Gifted

As I am writing this, I am exhausted. Not only this morning did I help at my daughter’s school for their holiday party where I had to keep up with 15 six to seven year-olds, but I had to keep up with my own kiddo. For those who don’t know, Kari is what most term “gifted” in the education system. The kids had about seven crafts to do. With each craft, Kari would become frustrated if it didn’t look just as she wanted and would begin to cry. I tried to field the tears so the other moms didn’t have to juggle her tantrum and help the other kids at the station as well. After each instance, I would approach her, tell her, “I think it looks great. If you spend too much time making this craft and trying to make it exactly how you see it in your head, you will not have time to do all of the crafts.” I would then walk away. She would stop crying and move on. At the end, I was very proud of her. She did not get to make one craft because she ran out of time. She looked like she was going to cry, so I told her about my warnings and maybe she could be allowed to make one later if she finished her schoolwork. She changed her expression and agreed that was a good plan!

Chris and I were both “gifted” in school, but it is rather different dealing with it from the other side. And, frankly, she’s a mix of how we were in school so we have to combine forces to understand. She won’t do school work she knows and has to be bribed to do so, because “what’s the point?!” This is very Chris. She wants everything to be just so and will cry if not perfect. This is so me. And, in some cases, it takes the two of us to logic it out against her. We try very hard as parents to not say, “because I said so!”

Many people don’t understand why I suck in a breath before I tell people she’s gifted. They think gifted is great and parenting a smart kid should be a cinch. Yes, gifted is great, but like any other child, they have their challenges and that is hard to explain to people who think gifted equals easy. It’s like trying to parent a child with super logic skills and intense emotions. It’s hard having such intense feelings for such a small kiddo.

What many don’t know unless you are an educator or a parent of a gifted child yourself is that the giftedness applies to more than just school work. Many days it is a challenge to keep up with them.

Concentration
Sure, they hear you, but they might reason that what you’re saying isn’t a priority for them right now and continue on with their project. Also, just because they are in deep concentration doesn’t mean they cannot hear you. They are like little absorbant sponges sucking up all the stimuli around their environment.

Logic
For Kari, the everyday challenges we battle involve her fixation, perfectionism and reasoning. Getting her to brush her teeth isn’t just, “Kari, go brush your teeth please”, rather, “Kari, go brush your teeth right now. We need to XYZ and we can do ABC later. Go now please.” Otherwise, she’ll reason in her noggin she can do XYZ later because it’s not what she is fixated on right now.

Perfectionism
Like with anything, most of us want to do our best. With gifted kiddos, it is this perfectionism that drives them to frustration and it can be very hard to talk them down off the ledge of a tantrum. Kari’s frustration with her perceived inability to do the activity perfectly drives her concentration further. This is often where my patience is tested!

Vivid Imagination
Daydreaming is a great activity, but it sure can be disruptive if something else should be occurring at that point in time. All of these ideas and thoughts inside can be very distracting, and sometimes gifted kids need their daydreaming or introspective time. Many gifted

Fairness, Rules and When Injustice Happens
Gifted kids often understand the rules, why they are important and they fail to have patients for when the rules are broken. Kari is a stickler for the rules. She would constantly correct other kids. It wasn’t until I had a conversation with her about when she corrects the kids at school she is doing three things: being what the other kids might see as bossy, depriving the other kids from a learning experience and not following the rules herself. Once I laid it out for her like that, she stopped her outbursts of frustration. She will still come home and vent her frustrations about how the kids didn’t listen and it affected the class’ day.

There are emotional challenges too. This is where Living with Intensity Living with Intensity was particularly helpful for me to help me go back in time to recall those feelings. It can be frustrating for gifted children as they are dealing with all of these ideas in their head, their tendency toward fairness and rules, and then their logic when working out social issues with other kids. They also sometimes have conflicts with listening to the adult or their logic.